These seasons are particularly difficult on me as well. I dance between being grateful for the business and missing him at home. I assume the lion's share of the post-6pm requirements (after already being "at it" since 6:00am) of homework, dinner, baths, meltdowns, story time, and cleaning...and finally fall on my couch around 10:30pm, incapable of uttering any meaningful speech.
I realize I am not unique; beyond that, I know I am immeasurably blessed with a Godly man who is tirelessly serving in all areas of his life. But playing the consistent supporting role in our cast of characters during long seasons of emotional and physical "unavailability" by the person I love most is hard. I begin to feel like the contributions I make are simply the expected...the norm; yet what it requires to make the "basics" happen are nothing short of exhausting. Adding to that, "expecteds" don't come packaged with feedback: there are no "high-fives" for prepping our son for his cumulative math test, no bonus checks for pets to the vet or sitting in the car dealership for hours to get work done. There are lists with task after endless task that only grow in volume and complexity with seemingly no tangible reward. Isolation only steepens when no one asks me about my work, how "business" is, or how I'm holding up under the intense pressure of raising our next generation.
Days and weeks go by and the subtlety of the powerful enemy slithers in. He holds the blanket of self-pity and adorns me like a gown. He seeps into my sub-conscious and tells me that the only thing really valuable is bringing home a salary...like I used to. He is the IV of condemnation when I mishandle my children and lash out at my husband. He is the broken record that sings this tune:
"You...
Are...
Invisible."
The result? A 41-year-old child. Yep. I pout and pierce like a little girl who got chosen last (again) for the kickball team. The enemy conjures up all kinds of "stuff" for me - stuff I'm not even sure I can name.
I know I'm not alone. In fact, I hope you are reading this and maybe even feeling a place in your heart all too familiar...because in the painful familiarity, I pray you will hear this:
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but was is unseen is eternal. -2 Corinthians 4:16-18
As Sarah Young writes in Jesus Calling, "Welcome problems (or seasons) as perspective-lifters. My children tend to sleepwalk through their days until they bump into an obstacle that stymies them. If you encounter a problem with no immediate solution, your response to that situation will take you either up or down. You can lash out at the difficulty, resenting it and feeling sorry for yourself. This will take you down into a pit of self-pity. Alternatively, the problem can be a ladder, enabling you to climb up and see your life from My perspective. Viewed from above, the obstacle that frustrated you is only a light and momentary trouble. Once your perspective has been heightened, you can look away from the problem altogether. Turn toward Me, and see the Light of My Presence shining upon you."
I have given the enemy victory over my Savior. I have given him the power to shout louder than my Father. I have lost perspective, friends.
The TRUTH is that the light of our God's presence is just as bright backstage as it is onstage! And when I tilt my head back, chin to the sky, I feel its intensity like the glorious radiating sunshine that He created to warm my soul...and remind me of my individuality as His princess.
I matter. And so do you. Let Him help you get to the top of the {perspective} ladder.
