There is More

My Dearest Kristen,

 

Seeing your name like that - in type, on paper – just made you pause, didn’t it?  Perhaps it even took your breath away for a second, causing you to check it, re-read it?  First wondering, “Why is He writing to me?”, followed by seeing your actual name there is perplexing.  

 

Good.  It should be…this should cause something to rise up in you, especially when your name follows “My” and “Dearest”.  

 

Because it’s true.  I named you, you are Mine, and you are so, so dear to Me.

 

Sit for a second and take it in.  Don’t be so quick to move on like you often do, dismissing a compliment or thinking, “This is beautiful, but intended for someone else.” That someone else includes you…is you. I’m speaking to you. Let this truth move from your brain allllll the waaaaaaay dowwwwwn into the very heart that I, too, created.  

 

I know it’s hard.  Believe me, I do.  It grieves me because I never intended it to be this way…that you would find it hard to comprehend the depths of my adoration for you.  Many things have hurt you, making it difficult for you to receive love like mine.  Over time, you will come to understand that…that all I ever wanted (and still want) is for you to feel unimaginable, free-of-conditions, love.  It’s possible, Kristen. It’s right there for the taking – just grab it and unwrap it like you did all those Christmas mornings as a little girl.  (Yes, I was there.)

 

Still nothing?  Maybe this will help:  picture your girl…your precious Addie…and consider how you adore her.  Consider how you delight in her, how she captivates your heart, how you want to spend every moment with her, talking with her, teaching her, holding her, learning about her, studying her, laughing with her…how you love stroking her hair and softly touching her face…how you want to protect her, to keep her safe, and yet how you want her to devour all that life has to offer and to shine her beautiful light among the darkness that exists around her. Consider how you see her…how you know things within her that she doesn’t even know she has…her wit, her intuition, her soul…and how you want nothing more than goodness for her life.  You want her to experience abundant life and to unleash all that is within her, because you know she has so much to offer this place.  You want to do all you can to show her the way, to bring out what is in her, to shape her heart first so that her actions follow.  You work tirelessly to give her the best so that she will be ready to do the same for the world…right?

 

This is how I feel about you, Kristen.  

 

Yes, I created you, which in and of itself is amazing.  (Remember when you were pregnant with Addie?  It was totally mind-blowing…all the things that had to go right for her to be growing inside of you…).  But even beyond that – and since then, I’ve been pursuing you. Like, actively trying to reach you…to get your attention...to have you turn around and realize that there was something – someone – who wanted to give you more than anyone or anything else is capable of.  I knew that at some point, you’d discover I was there, but I knew I had to be patient, and even clever. I strategically put things in your path that would help you find me…planted many seeds…and you found me, right next to you, where I've always been.

 

Like a runner in a Relay, you turned around and found me there.  And like the runner, you grabbed the baton and got back to your leg of the race with Me on your winning team.  Ultimately, Kristen, you had to choose me back, just as I chose you.  

 

And I’m so glad you did.  Things could’ve continued to go so differently had you not.  You don’t need me to tell you that; you already know.  

 

But there is more.  

 

So much more.  I have much to show you, to offer you, and to give you.  What you’ve tasted so far is but a sip.  I’ve enjoyed, so much, sitting with you as you’ve nibbled and tried some new things.  We’ve had some amazing moments together and I have loved being with you.  But my sweet girl, you must keep coming back for more food – the right kind of food - and allowing it to get into your all of systems to provide the nourishment needed to continue on, to discover all that I have for you.  Perhaps you thought you had enough for the time being and could sustain yourself for out there, with just enough in your tummy to get by.  But getting by is never what I had planned for you…how little you have settled for when abundance awaits you.

 

I also need your help, Kristen.  I tried several different ways to get my work done...to show others what I've shown you.  Unfortunately, I had to make the biggest sacrifice of all to keep my heart’s desire moving forward.  I want everyone to know about Me and what I have for them, but I can’t do it alone. You understand...attempting to conquer your to-do list without help is impossible.  Besides, when we enlist others, it’s way more fruitful for us and for those who get to share in the work.  

 

That’s another reason why I chose you…because I’d like your help showing others that there is another way…a better way.  This is big work, important work.  Literal life-saving work.  

 

I chose you for my team.  No audition required, Kristen.  You made it, just as you are.  

 

Kristen?  

 

I sense you are hesitating…as though you know this at some level but are struggling to believe it – truly believe it – because people, circumstances, and perhaps even your own choices have made you believe otherwise.  Is that true, my dear Kristen?  I’m so sorry.  As I told you earlier, I never intended it to be this way.  

 

Can we talk about it?  

 

I’d like to show you some things that will help you…will help us…if you are willing to go with me.  It’s been a long-time coming and I’m excited that you are more ready than you were before.  I will take it slowly.  I will be gentle with you.  I know you trust me…I know you believe me.  This is the beauty of us having history together.  As we do this…move forward, I mean…remember what we’ve already overcome together.  We have so much to celebrate, Kristen!!  Our track record shows that we can do hard things when we stick together.  

 

Let's go.

Imposed Isolation

 

A few weeks into the uncertainty of this pandemic, before we had any idea what was headed our way, a bizarre sense of excitement over a forced quarantine trumped my fear of catching COVID-19.

The idea that there would be a literal shutdown of the daily frenzy of my life, brought on not only by external forces but also those self-imposed, was a welcomed guest. We had to stay home and we even had “permission” to turn off anything that was not essential.  I embraced this window of time to quiet the noise, to re-center, and even tackle some projects I seemed to never find time to do.

I know this is not true of all of us.  This has been really difficult for a lot of people.  So many of you have worked harder in the last 4 months than you have in the last 4 years.  You have dealt with things in the physical and emotional realm that you never saw coming.  You were forced to transform your business models and your living rooms, you filed for unemployment, remained in an abusive relationship, and said goodbye (if you were even allowed) to people you love. You have experienced grief, whether through the loss of life, disappointments, or unmet expectations, hopes, and desires. 

I have too. 

But while practically this pandemic may have played out differently for people, one thing has been the same:  we’ve all been given an invitation to different… and to how we will respond as a result of what we are seeing and experiencing.

So may I confess to you?   

Amidst the initial honeymoon of banana bread and clean closets, of nights curled up with my family watching a new show and sleeping past 6:00am, a new (unwelcome) reality has settled in:  this season has stripped me of my familiar hiding places. 

Take away the hurry and the busy that gives life to my idols and leave me with what?  The reality of what needs my attention.

You see, ‘the projects I never find time to do’ extend way beyond the clutter that needs to be cleaned out in my closets and kitchen drawers.  It’s the clutter in my mind.  And my heart.  It’s in my marriage, my parenting, and my friendships.  It’s in my habits, and in my excuses.

Unscheduled and unpredictable have unleashed a very vulnerable space for me… space where even though I have tried, I unsuccessfully ran away from the most essential issues I must face. 

After all, quarantine, by definition, is imposed isolation.  We literally have nowhere to go.  Even our tried and true hiding places give way in isolation.

So don’t go.  Don’t leave this time.  Quit hiding and instead allow yourself to be found. 

Stay.  

Stay with me and surrender to this space.  You know what needs your attention.  Don’t dismiss it because you will miss it…you will miss the invitation to work on the real projects – the ones that cause you to emotionally quarantine, day after day, year after year.  

...and you know as well as I do that whatever (figuratively) plagued you in February is just waiting for you in “getting back to normal”. 

So choose a better normal, even if it means some yuck until we get there.  I believe it will be vastly better than we ever thought possible.

 

 

 

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Hold Fast

My dear friend Tracy was recently featured on a podcast where she was asked about the use of various personality assessments in her coaching practice.  As she shared her high-level thoughts about the merits of a few commonly used tools, she went on to share the most crucial ingredients to success with her clients, such as vulnerability and development of emotional intelligence.  But what struck me the most in her conversation with the host was that when asked about her own personal growth, recently catapulted by excruciating and unforeseen circumstances, Tracy responded with a drop-the-mic reminder about what she’s experienced along the way:  “Control is an illusion.”  

Right.  Yes.



Her words echoed in my mind as I’ve reflected on the times in my life when I have fallen for the trick:  that things will ‘work out best’ if I’m in charge.  I confess I’ve exhausted myself trying to control people, outcomes, and circumstances.  I’ve stepped right in (and over) when I’ve been convinced that my way is the best way, that without me and my all-knowing wisdom, things would most certainly fall apart…and that if left to someone else to take care of, it would be done to a standard that would disappointingly fall short of my own. 



Now, it’s important to note, here, that I’m not talking about the obvious ways we relate to one another through influence, care, love, feedback, refinement, shepherding, and even accountability.  I’m also not talking about the ways in which we are all called to “do our part”, to take necessary steps forward, or to step up and lead when the situation presents itself.  We still must act, even amidst the unknowns and questionable nudges.



I’m talking about control when we view things critically, from one-perspective, absent grace and mercy...and dangerously too often, with too little information.  We make assumptions – or judge – and then control appears as an ugly monster dominance, of superiority, or of assuming a position of authority over someone or something that isn’t ours to control. 

In my life, this has not only  been ineffective, but damaging. 

What God has shown me, in those times, is my pride. 

-Jeremiah 9:23

Why do we so quickly forget that we have a Rescuer and we are not Him?

I assume that at some point, every one of us has fallen prey to this illusion.  Perhaps it stems from trauma, anxiety, or fears…from a lack of trust, damaged self-esteem, perfectionism or even less obvious to name, the avoidance of failure.  Oh, how quickly those triggers can cause us to go sideways!  I can recall countless times I have lost any sense of sound judgment and gone spiraling into a rapid thought-descent from a 50,000-foot view right onto the tarmac, splatting headfirst into the Land-of-Lost- Perspective.  (Have I seen you there too?)  Whatever the stress factor, we lose sight and our behavior awkwardly follows. 



Perhaps this is why toilet paper and bottled water flew off the shelves weeks before the Coronavirus pandemic even reached the US.  What, in our rational minds, led us to believe that we would not have access to these things?

What God has shown me, in those times, is my unbelief. 

-John 12:37

Why do we so quickly forget how many times we’ve been rescued?

The irony of control is that it typically elicits the very emotions we are trying to avoid and then punctuates the hurt that caused it in the first place.  When are fearful, or feel out of control, the more likely we are to hold on tighter, only serving to increase the already-elevated level of anxiety we are experiencing. 



It’s why we run out at dawn and stand in line at Costco, only to leave there distraught by the views of empty shelves and hopeless faces.  It doesn’t make us feel better, even if we got the last 12-pack with a bonus roll.  We still feel anxious, just with more toilet paper.



We may grasp even stronger to processes and details, to arrangements and to plans, often resulting in wasted time and energy because we neglected to get buy-in, support, or accurate information. 



It’s why we impulsively jump in (or out) of the market, selling selling selling, buying buying buying…only to see the losses and gains level out within a matter of days, landing us right where we were in the first place.    



The danger of (attempting to) control is that when faced with difficult or unpleasant situations, we step in and take over, often without conscious intention, in a desperate attempt to maintain the stability and security we naturally crave.  We may manipulate, stampede, and even strong-arm, often regardless of (or oblivious to) the people we hurt in the process.  We so desperately want things to go our way, don’t we?    And when our actions don’t fix it, we either land in severe self-criticism or defer away from ourselves and instead heap harsh judgment upon others.

What God has shown me in those times is my unbelief leads to sin. 

-Hebrews 3:12-19

Why do we so quickly forget our uninhibited access to the One who Saves?

I was curious about where the phrase, ‘control is an illusion’ got its roots, so I did a quick bit of research:

First explored in 1975, Ellen J. Langer (Yale University) conducted a series of studies to elucidate a phenomenon here referred to as the "illusion of control." An illusion of control was denned as an expectancy of a personal success probability inappropriately higher than the objective probability would warrant. It was predicted that factors from skill situations (competition, choice, familiarity, involvement) introduced into chance situations cause individuals to feel inappropriately confident. - Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 1975, Vol. 32, No. 2, 311-328 T

Inappropriately confident.

The result? 

Time and again, research has demonstrated that intelligence, knowledge, and reason notwithstanding, people often believe that they have control over events in their lives, even when such control is impossible.  – Sandra Sanger, PhD

Such control is impossible.

(We are inappropriately confident)

because

(such control is impossible)

because

we have a sovereign God.

He is the ultimate source of all power and authority and rules over all.  (Psalm 103:19, Isaiah 14:24) 



Now, this would scare me if God were anyone or anything else but God.  But because the very nature of God is goodness, (Exodus 34: 6-7, Psalm 25:8, James 1:17) love, (Deuteronomy 7:7-8, John 14:31, Romans 5:5, 8, Romans 8:35, 39, 1John 4:8, 16), and justice, (Genesis 18:25, Exodus 34:6-7, Nehemiah 9:32-33, Romans 9:14-33, Psalm 99:4, Romans 1:32, 1 Peter 1:17) I can trust that the power and authority He has is good, loving, and just power! 



And because we are loved by God, (John 3:16) forgiven by God, (Col. 1:14) children of God, (Romans 8:16) called by God, (2 Timothy 1:9) and delivered from the powers of darkness, (Col: 1:13) we can let go!  The only thing we should cling to  - and be confident in – is this:

He has all power and authority. + He is good. + We are His. = FREEDOM

It’s why we should quit listening to the rhetoric and the non-stop criticism of how this pandemic “should have” been handled.  It’s why we should quit engaging in wasteful banter about how moronic our leadership is or isn’t.  It’s why we shouldn’t hoard toilet paper – or bottled water – or napkins, or Clorox wipes or Kleenex or hand sanitizer.  It’s why we shouldn’t speculate – or worry – or make impulsive decisions about our future.  None of that will change the situation. None of that will make this “go away”.  And none of that will make you feel better. It will, however, continue to facilitate an ongoing love relationship with your pride, your unbelief, and your sin.

I simply propose this:  Exchange your energy.

Take that precious time and space that’s been given to you each day and pursue the One who can control, the One who does control, and the One who has already penned the story – for our good, and for His glory.

Hold fast to Him…to the Lord your God.  (Joshua 23:8)

²³ Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise. – Hebrews 10:23

Be well, my friends.

Diagnosis: Stuffatitis

We are days into the new year and as I’ve shared, “How were your holidays?” exchanges with friends, I find myself answering their inquiries with an unexpected response: “They were fine.”

Fine.  The sum of my Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year holidays were “fine”.  Nothing over-the-top in the way of travel, parties, or meals (certainly nothing over-post worthy, anyway.)  Yet the opposite is also true:  no travel delays, post-party regrets, or arduous meal planning and preparation.  So why the underwhelming “fine”?

It hit me today as I began to sieve through the post-tsunami mess that is “the holidays”.  This mess…this literal and figurative sinking into an abyss of clutter…is in the form of STUFF that flows from every room of my house, seemingly spills out of my car, and causes physical harm as I walk the hallways of my 3-story dwelling.  It’s wrapping paper, tissue paper, gift bags, bows, boxes, tape, scissors, ornaments (including the broken ones, which reside in their own special corner I’ve named ‘the ornament graveyard’) garland, cookie containers, cookie cutters, cards, special Christmas dishes, Christmas soaps, Christmas towels…and yes, even the gifts…gifts that are too small, too big, the wrong color, the wrong sku number, a duplicate, a disappointment…

I began to wonder where the holidays had gone, and why I was so exhausted.  But mostly, I wondered why I felt so empty after “all that work”.  And to make matters worse, everywhere I turned, there was more of it…more stuff that I needed to manage. 

But I’m getting ahead of myself, so let’s back up.  I suspect your holidays may have looked a bit similar, if not embarrassingly exact. 

Six weeks or so before Christmas, the catalogs came in the mail.  Dozens of them.  Each day, my mailbox door dangled open, almost beckoning someone to please relieve it of all its contents:  toy catalogs, furniture catalogs, Christmas furnishing catalogs, warehouse catalogs, food catalogs, gift basket catalogs and my favorite kind of catalog: “just for her” catalogs that were simply the same items from the bigger catalogs, but marketed to my specific demographic.  Each day as they arrived, my kids frenetically thumbed through each page with a different color Sharpie, noting their specific interests with their initials, exclaiming, “add that to the list.”  (My 9-year old daughter even ripped pages out of catalogs and printed pictures from her online wishes and created a folder.) 

The excitement was contagious and I, too, began to create my own folders and my own lists.  I had a folder for coupons and discount codes, a folder for receipts, and even a folder for recipes that sounded delicious.  I started lists:  lists on my phone, lists on paper, lists in email, lists on post-it notes, lists in my special Christmas organizer.  The lists varied:  there was the “to buy for” list, the “budget list”, the “who wants what” list, the “what I’ve already bought and still need to buy” list, the “big gift” list, the “stocking stuffer” list, the “where I hid things” list, the “better shop early so I have enough lead time to get it wrapped, boxed, and mailed” list and even the “in case someone asks what I want” list.  Some lists even denoted “I grabbed it because it was on sale”, or “grabbed it in case someone can’t find it” or “I can always hold this back for a birthday”.  Christmas Kool-Aid, anyone?

As I combed websites for the best deals, yet also made sure that I shopped big, shopped small, shopped homemade, and shopped local, we also began to deck our halls.  You know how this goes: entire weekends dedicated to putting away existing stuff in your home to make room for the Christmas stuff.  We took down the family pictures to put up the collection of Santas.  We shoved the everyday knick-knacks in drawers to display the candy sleigh.  We put away the fall hand towels and pumpkin-spice hand soap and replaced it with the fa-la-la tea towel and fir candle. Put away, hang up, display…for days. 

And the more decking we did, the more that was required:  Grab “Target List” and run out to fetch Scotch’s newest mounting product to hang HomeGoods vintage snowman sign, a few extra bulbs for the Christmas tree lights, and replace last year’s outdoor bows faded from the sun.  While there, stumble across this year’s cuteness and re-think entire outdoor decorating strategy.  Upon returning home with $500 worth of “essentials”, listen to husband create new words as he staples strings of lights from the porch balcony and drags last year’s Costco Rudolph out whilst reminding you that it “takes up way too much room in his garage.”  Order new second-story porch inflatable and while online, despite every effort to practice self-control, you discover even “cuter” items and decide you need an entirely new theme to replace the tired kitchen burgundy-and-silver motif you’ve had for the last 5 years.  Spend hours fluffing garland, sorting pictures on your hard drive for the annual family picture tree (that doesn’t make it up…again), and pray that you took all the batteries out of the little singing angels last year before packing them away.  Drag in cardboard boxes, complete with roach poop from husband’s coveted garage, and determine best way to ensure the handmade ornaments your kids made in preschool don’t get broken or misplaced while simultaneously barking at your kids for having the audacity to touch them.  Are you with me?

Perhaps you, like me, suddenly realize you’ve spent innumerable minutes, hours, and days placing, cleaning, fixing, shining, hanging, hiding, purchasing, organizing, price-matching, and researching STUFF. 

And it’s only December 2^nd.

Realizing I may be ‘a little off course’, and in my desperate attempt to glean the true meaning of Christmas, I switch my radio station to full-time Christian radio (being sure to avoid Drake’s version of “Silent Night”), pull out my Advent storybook with accompanying handmade ornaments we made as a Bible Study a few years back, and dive into Luke, Chapter 2 with a steaming eggnog latte.  I find a moment of joy amidst the management of the stuff.

As the days of the Christmas season unfold, so does my responsibility to manage any matter having to do with buying, hiding, organizing, cleaning, or exchanging items…things...stuff.  I begin to accept my role as President and CEO of Stuff, Inc. as I gleefully wipe the tree sap from the backseat of the car from the Christmas tree transport home, carefully select the perfect accessories for my children to wear to school on Christmas sock day, Christmas hat day, and Ugly Christmas sweater day.  I double and triple check the required items needed for daughter’s choir attire for the school program while ensuring all items needed for her classroom Christmas party have been covered by my fellow Stuff Managers (a.k.a. “Moms”.)

Like many organization’s leaders, I find I wear many hats:  I am also the President of Everyone Else’s Christmas List for Everyone Else.  (Note:  This did not come with a pay raise.)  Yes, the days of thoughtfully considering your loved ones and what he/she may enjoy have been outsourced by none other than…ME.  I will spend hours of my stuff-management days taking the hassle out of creative and personal gift-giving for inquiring aunts, confused parents, technically challenged in-laws, and want-to-make-it-perfect grandparents.  I will carefully study the aforementioned Sharpie initials, discern if squeal from TV commercial item is purchase-worthy, prioritize item based on how long it will take that item to make it to the “donate pile”, identify how serious he/she is about said item, determine whether or not it will fit in his/her bedroom, and identify the best model number before whisking off a detailed email to weary Gift-Givers, being ever-so-sure to include preferred size, color, brand and, in some cases, whether or not Costco has it in a “bundle”, and in many cases, a direct link to the most competitive price WITH free shipping. 

I know what you’re thinking…that I’m an over-achiever, right?  Actually, this strategy ensures future efficiencies in stuff-management by avoiding last minute trips to the mall (with me), enduring desperate web searches (sitting next to me), reduces post-Christmas returns (by me) and even minimizes the need for re-gift storage (yep…I got this one too).

These efficiencies are only accomplished, of course, assuming Gift Givers play by the rules.  (I am also meticulous at ensuring the rules are clear and outlined for all:  upon receipt of email and determination of item to be purchased, shopper is directed to “reply all” so that all others on email are notified of his/her intentions.)  No creativity needed!  Determine your budget, scan the list, click and buy.  Voila!  You are “finished shopping” for that person and you get the glory of getting JUST the right thing!

Alas, you can imagine my surprise when:  1) no one communicates what he/she takes from each list, or 2) daily, frantic texts blast my phone with inquiries about who-got-what-for-whom, or 3) the two-day before Christmas panic of “what’s still left on the list?”  This, dear friends, is when my stuff-management skills really begin to shine.

But wait, there’s more!  As “stuff” begins to arrive on my doorstep from Jim (yes, I am now on a first-name basis with our neighborhood UPS driver), I quickly became skilled at how and where to best hide it.  (After all, if it didn’t come from Amazon, the recipient of said stuff would know what was in the box.)  I creatively and strategically hide big boxes, little boxes, re-taped boxes, boxes shoved in my mailbox, boxes left behind my poinsettias, boxes arriving all day and all night.  I store stuff up high, down low, and even in my kids’ closets.  (Smart idea if your kids don’t manage their closet stuff.)  And the important, secret stuff?  You guessed it.  At my fellow Stuff Managers’ houses.  They house my stuff -- and I theirs.

Stuff-management reaches a new threshold of complexity when out-of-towners come for Christmas because you know what?  Jim (you remember, my UPS guy?) brings me their stuff too.  But as if to test my stuff-management qualifications, their stuff is not addressed to them.  No, no…it’s addressed to me, just like all 200 of the other cardboard boxes.  So, in an attempt to determine what to do with these extra goodies, I open boxes that contain gifts intended for me…and my husband does the same. 

Oh well.  That’s ok.  After all, Christmas isn’t about the stuff anyway.

Because service to others is an especially important virtue at Christmastime, I am sure to provide my Gift-Givers with important notifications of stuff arrival or, more importantly, debate “stuff arrival” with Gift-Givers, as email notifications have indicated “shipped” or “received”.  As my guests arrive, I locate their stuff and account for any of their stuff that is missing.  (“But it said it was delivered December 12.”)  And finally, I assist last-minute Gift-Giving guests with buying their stuff at just the very time I am creating my List of Cookies to Bake, List of Items to Buy for Cookies to Bake, and List of What Must Get Done in the Next Three Days Before I Bake, being sure to note that I can do a week’s worth of Advent devotionals in one day.

And so, it goes.

You get the point.

I lost the point.

I fell victim to Satan’s trickery of distraction; the more distracted I was, the further apart from God I became.  Focus on Jesus at Christmastime, especially?  No way…I’ll send you to Hobby Lobby.  Prepare your heart for the arrival of Jesus, your Savior? Sorry, much too much to take care of.  Linger in the sweet intimacy of His presence as you reflect on what it means that He actually came for me?  Sure, but only after all the baking is done. 

In all the management of the stuff, I missed it.  I missed the joy of really experiencing Him in the very time that is set apart to do just that.  Sure, I had moments…but moments that were so fleeting because of all that I felt I had to do…all that, “when finished”, I could take in and enjoy.  But the reality?  I was simply too tired to enjoy much of it.  I jumped on the Christmas treadmill and missed out on the benefits of the workout.

As I get further away from the holidays and the tendency to shame myself for creating and enabling these “traditions”, I find myself much more reflective on the overall metaphor of this experience.  Quite simply,

I allowed the stuff to reign on the throne rather than He who came to do that very thing.

And if I’m being totally honest, I don’t just do it at Christmastime.  Most days, some THING, other than Jesus, consumes me. Some THING, other than Jesus, drives my focus, my decision-making, my energy, my time, my money, and even my relationships.  And God knew it would, which is why, as all good Fathers do, Jesus warns us against it: 

¹⁹ “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. ²⁰ But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. ²¹ For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”  Matthew 6:19-21 (NLT)

I believe this caution, like the entire Sermon on the Mount, has everything to do with how we live and really little to do with “stuff”.  Jesus made it clear (v. 21) that what we seek and the condition of our hearts are essentially one in the same.  Turn to Him and we find Him…His love, His promises, His counsel, His commands, His way of living.  But when we turn away from Him (or busy ourselves out of connection with Him), our sin nature quickly takes us off track and we make new alliances, like control, gluttony, over-spending, greed, and consumerism (just to name a “Christmas” few).  Simply, having the wrong treasures leads to our hearts being in the wrong place.  And our hearts being in the wrong place does nothing to help, but rather hurt, the Kingdom of God.  

“Whoever is not with me is against me, and whoever does not gather with me scatters.”  Matthew 12:30 NIV

So, where’s your heart?  What’s requiring all of you?  Or even most of you?  Or, simply too much of you? 

Think about it for a second.  What do you treasure?  Stuff?  Accolades?  Your image?  Do you control it or does it control you?  Do you find yourself distracted from “the whole point” of your activity, as I was this Christmas?  Do you find yourself making decisions, apart from God, to build the treasure?  (Think of the last birthday party you hosted for your child: is that catalog-worthy layout of backdrops, props, and gourmet cupcakes really about your 5-year old?  I’m guilty too.)  Do you find that you joy-less in the process of “pursuing your treasures”?  What’s your real motivation? 

My real motivation this Christmas was ensuring my family got what they wanted while managing the other moving parts to ensure we were maximizing magical moments and minimizing (ok, totally avoiding) disappointment.  Not only was it unrealistic, it was impossible. 

So of course, I felt empty when it was over.  Of course, I was exhausted.  Of course, I missed it.

What lie have you (and perhaps those closest to you) bought into that is distracting you?  What are you doing that is more about you (but conveniently disguised as “for others”) than it is about Jesus?  Don’t be so quick to move on from this question, or even quickly justify your thoughts with a reconciliation exercise that allows you to walk away with a clean list.  Spend some time asking God to show you.  And then invite Him in to help you re-establish the treasures in your life.  When He does, it will feel like hopeful conviction, not debilitating condemnation. 

As I’ve asked these very questions, I’ll admit it terrifies me a bit.  What if I don’t like what I hear?  What if it means radical change?  But then by faith, I am reminded that God’s ways are always good ways because He is my loving Father.  And further, God’s way of living usually contradicts the world’s.  If you want to live for God, you must be ready to say and do what seems strange to the world.  It may even mean re-creating new traditions or doing things differently than “you’ve always done it”.  But friends, Jesus also promises this:  that we will be Blessed.  And to Jesus, blessed means to experience hope and joy, independent of outward circumstances.  Imagine the possibilities!

I bet you have a “Christmas” of your own.  God came so that we could experience an intimate, personal relationship with Him that allows us to live an abundant life, fully and freely.  The constraints and the chains are not imposed by Him!  It’s a new year.  Take inventory.  Don’t begrudge your season or shame what comes up.  Instead, simply be still and ask God to show you your Christmas.  His sweetness in revealing what I now see is far better than anything I – or any member of my family - got under the tree.

~Margins~

I stare at this blank page, ready to fill it with words that I've prayed will encourage. It's literally a blank slate and what I say can inspire and enlighten - or leave you unchanged.

In the same way, I woke my kids this morning singing, "Rise and Shine, and Give God Your Glory, Glory." Their day is new and similarly, they can give Him their glory or they can simply make it "another day".

And just moments ago, I opened my planner and glanced at the week, primarily empty of tasks and events, considering how I will spend my time in a way that is meaningful.

A new post, a new day, a new week...ready to be filled with something. My heart intends for it to be good things. Godly things.

The rise of the sun brings such lofty potential, yet I find the ideology of what "could be" quickly disappear as I [close in] on the reality of my day. My calendar, at first glance, is only light because I haven't transferred the things I didn't get done from last week to this week's pages. I begin the mental sparring of placing my actual responsibilities, my "shoulds", and "would-be-nice-tos" into a clean, time-blocked plan on my calendar. The freedom I felt in the newness of the morning quickly turned to anxiousness about my week.

My margins narrowed. That is, the amount of time available to me in my day and my week, beyond what is actually necessary for tasks and responsibilities, suddenly felt unforgiving and...even paralyzing. Where do I start? How do I begin to prioritize? But bigger and more exhausting than that...How long will I have to continue at this frenetic pace while managing the constant feeling of defeat and under-accomplishment? It's debilitating and a perfect strategy Satan employs to destroy me.

The irony of the intentions of my heart? Nowhere "on my calendar" was deliberate time with God, grounding me in the way of my day. After all, where was there time for meditation, prayer, or reading His Word?

The narrow margins of my day left no room for the very One I hoped to serve.

Hence the playground of Satan in the soul of me. And in you? I stand unprotected, empty of His fulfillment, clouded by the temptations of this world. I remain tethered to my own energy, my own plan, my own desires. I miss it. Nothing can feed defeat and a sense of under-accomplishment more than being apart from God.

If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for me, you will find it. Matthew 10:39, NLT

I actually giggle at the ridiculousness of it all. It's like planning a 50th wedding anniversary party for your parents and forgetting to invite them. I want my life to be about Him - for Him - yet I neglect to invite Him into the planning...into the foundational fibers of my day. So who, then, is it really about?

Margins. In a literal sense, they can be modified. We can narrow the edges of the paper to allow more words per line and fit "more" onto the paper. In the same way, we can widen them and allow in only that which really matters.

The same is true of our lives.

Wobbly

"I think the entire 4th grade was there.  I was surprised there were so many of us."

Her words surprisingly cut through me and I felt an unexpected pang of something {I couldn't quite name} deep inside.

As she innocently shared the highlights  of last night's National Elementary Honor Society assembly, the words of a fellow classmate of my son's lingered like heavy fog as I processed them.

We weren't there. 

My son wasn't among the "entire" or the "so many".

While not typically a competitive person, I found myself lurking in the muddy water of envy and jealousy, of anxiety and adrenaline.  I even asked the sweet 9-year old what the "criteria" was for inclusion into this elite club.  After all, my son is a good student too...

But this isn't about my son, now is it? 

I often feel like a newborn pony as she tries to stand minutes after she's born:  awkward.  I hear God's sweet message of  "love, love, love" and the world's relentless voice telling me "go, go, go".  Can we do them both?  And can we do them well?

I am very aware of my approach to parenting.  I'm a choose-love-over-achievement kind of parent.  I encourage more often than I push, expect more often than I force.  I deliberately choose childhood play over a jam-packed agenda and intentionally reward effort over performance.

But today, like many other days, I question:  Am I parenting in a way that draws out the best in each of my kids?  Is my approach enabling them to sit in comfort rather than rise to their capabilities?  If I "drove" them harder, would I ignite some untapped "excellence" that is in hiding in each of my children?  Are they capable of more? 

And by "more", do I mean more "of this world"?

I don't mean to imply that making the National Elementary Honor Society (or any other achievement) is "of this world".  On the contrary, I know that God delights in us using our gifts for His glory and blesses our work when we give our best:

"Servants, do what you're told by your earthly masters.  And don't just do the minimum that will get you by.  Do your best."  (Colossians 3:22 MSG)

But I'll admit that I awkwardly parent when trying to send the message that "you are more" when their glorious souls pour out joy to the world, yet don't make "the cut" despite how hard they've worked.  Often it feels like a trade-off...as though the pursuit of achievement-oriented excellence (here on Earth) is somehow at the expense of growing in...and representing...Christ to the world.

Frankly, I'm still trying to master this.  It's ridiculously hard for me to linger in compassionate space when my to-do list enables my performance idol.  I flail with my prayer life when I've filled my calendar, even when it's with "good" things.  I struggle with mastering a skill or even offering my own gifts because to do so means I can't do other important things.  So it's no wonder I am struggling with how to lead my kids to do it.

So until God lifts the layer of fog on this issue for me, I stand in this truth...and mother from the same place: 

"So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It’s your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it."  (Colossians 3:12-14 MSG)