My dear friend Tracy was recently featured on a podcast where she was asked about the use of various personality assessments in her coaching practice. As she shared her high-level thoughts about the merits of a few commonly used tools, she went on to share the most crucial ingredients to success with her clients, such as vulnerability and development of emotional intelligence. But what struck me the most in her conversation with the host was that when asked about her own personal growth, recently catapulted by excruciating and unforeseen circumstances, Tracy responded with a drop-the-mic reminder about what she’s experienced along the way: “Control is an illusion.”
Right. Yes.
Her words echoed in my mind as I’ve reflected on the times in my life when I have fallen for the trick: that things will ‘work out best’ if I’m in charge. I confess I’ve exhausted myself trying to control people, outcomes, and circumstances. I’ve stepped right in (and over) when I’ve been convinced that my way is the best way, that without me and my all-knowing wisdom, things would most certainly fall apart…and that if left to someone else to take care of, it would be done to a standard that would disappointingly fall short of my own.
Now, it’s important to note, here, that I’m not talking about the obvious ways we relate to one another through influence, care, love, feedback, refinement, shepherding, and even accountability. I’m also not talking about the ways in which we are all called to “do our part”, to take necessary steps forward, or to step up and lead when the situation presents itself. We still must act, even amidst the unknowns and questionable nudges.
I’m talking about control when we view things critically, from one-perspective, absent grace and mercy...and dangerously too often, with too little information. We make assumptions – or judge – and then control appears as an ugly monster dominance, of superiority, or of assuming a position of authority over someone or something that isn’t ours to control.
In my life, this has not only been ineffective, but damaging.
What God
has shown me, in those times, is my pride.
-Jeremiah
9:23
Why do we so quickly forget that we have a Rescuer and we are not
Him?
I assume that at some point, every one of us has fallen prey to this illusion. Perhaps it stems from trauma, anxiety, or fears…from a lack of trust, damaged self-esteem, perfectionism or even less obvious to name, the avoidance of failure. Oh, how quickly those triggers can cause us to go sideways! I can recall countless times I have lost any sense of sound judgment and gone spiraling into a rapid thought-descent from a 50,000-foot view right onto the tarmac, splatting headfirst into the Land-of-Lost- Perspective. (Have I seen you there too?) Whatever the stress factor, we lose sight and our behavior awkwardly follows.
Perhaps this is why toilet paper and bottled water flew off the shelves weeks before the Coronavirus pandemic even reached the US. What, in our rational minds, led us to believe that we would not have access to these things?
What God has shown me, in those times, is my unbelief.
-John 12:37
Why do we so
quickly forget how many times we’ve been rescued?
The irony of control is that it typically elicits the very emotions we are trying to avoid and then punctuates the hurt that caused it in the first place. When are fearful, or feel out of control, the more likely we are to hold on tighter, only serving to increase the already-elevated level of anxiety we are experiencing.
It’s why we run out at dawn and stand in line at Costco, only to leave there distraught by the views of empty shelves and hopeless faces. It doesn’t make us feel better, even if we got the last 12-pack with a bonus roll. We still feel anxious, just with more toilet paper.
We may grasp even stronger to processes and details, to arrangements and to plans, often resulting in wasted time and energy because we neglected to get buy-in, support, or accurate information.
It’s why we impulsively jump in (or out) of the market, selling selling selling, buying buying buying…only to see the losses and gains level out within a matter of days, landing us right where we were in the first place.
The danger of (attempting to) control is that when faced with difficult or unpleasant situations, we step in and take over, often without conscious intention, in a desperate attempt to maintain the stability and security we naturally crave. We may manipulate, stampede, and even strong-arm, often regardless of (or oblivious to) the people we hurt in the process. We so desperately want things to go our way, don’t we? And when our actions don’t fix it, we either land in severe self-criticism or defer away from ourselves and instead heap harsh judgment upon others.
What God has shown me in those times is my unbelief
leads to sin.
-Hebrews 3:12-19
Why do we so
quickly forget our uninhibited access to the One who Saves?
I was curious
about where the phrase, ‘control is an illusion’ got its roots, so I did a
quick bit of research:
First explored in 1975, Ellen J. Langer (Yale
University) conducted a series of studies to elucidate a phenomenon here
referred to as the "illusion of control." An illusion of control was
denned as an expectancy of a personal success probability inappropriately
higher than the objective probability would warrant. It was predicted that
factors from skill situations (competition, choice, familiarity, involvement)
introduced into chance situations cause individuals to feel inappropriately
confident. - Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 1975, Vol. 32, No. 2,
311-328 T
Inappropriately
confident.
The
result?
Time
and again, research has demonstrated that intelligence, knowledge, and reason
notwithstanding, people often believe that they have control over events in
their lives, even when such control is impossible. – Sandra Sanger, PhD
Such control is
impossible.
(We are inappropriately confident)
because
(such control is impossible)
because
we have a sovereign God.
He is the ultimate source of all power and authority and rules over all. (Psalm 103:19, Isaiah 14:24)
Now, this would scare me if God were anyone or anything else but God. But because the very nature of God is goodness, (Exodus 34: 6-7, Psalm 25:8, James 1:17) love, (Deuteronomy 7:7-8, John 14:31, Romans 5:5, 8, Romans 8:35, 39, 1John 4:8, 16), and justice, (Genesis 18:25, Exodus 34:6-7, Nehemiah 9:32-33, Romans 9:14-33, Psalm 99:4, Romans 1:32, 1 Peter 1:17) I can trust that the power and authority He has is good, loving, and just power!
And because we are loved by God, (John 3:16) forgiven by God, (Col. 1:14) children of God, (Romans 8:16) called by God, (2 Timothy 1:9) and delivered from the powers of darkness, (Col: 1:13) we can let go! The only thing we should cling to - and be confident in – is this:
He has all
power and authority. + He is good. + We are His. = FREEDOM
It’s why we should quit listening to the rhetoric and the non-stop criticism of how this pandemic “should have” been handled. It’s why we should quit engaging in wasteful banter about how moronic our leadership is or isn’t. It’s why we shouldn’t hoard toilet paper – or bottled water – or napkins, or Clorox wipes or Kleenex or hand sanitizer. It’s why we shouldn’t speculate – or worry – or make impulsive decisions about our future. None of that will change the situation. None of that will make this “go away”. And none of that will make you feel better. It will, however, continue to facilitate an ongoing love relationship with your pride, your unbelief, and your sin.
I simply propose this: Exchange
your energy.
Take that precious time and space that’s been given to you each day and pursue the One who can control, the One who does control, and the One who has already penned the story – for our good, and for His glory.
Hold fast to Him…to the Lord your God. (Joshua
23:8)
23 Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm,
for God can be trusted to keep his promise. – Hebrews 10:23
Be well, my friends.
