In-Between

The need to be needed.

I assume it is innate for most of us. A pull...a strong desire to add real value, to contribute, to shape the outcome of someone's life. Yes, to make the world a better place. We crave opportunities that will allow us - the "us" that is unique, distinct, one-of-a-kind - to leave a lasting footprint somewhere. 

God wants this too. It's Biblical. It's written all throughout scripture that we were created in His image, for the purpose of His good. He gifted us with unique talents and attributes to be used for His glory, all in His perfect timing.

No wonder the search for significance is insatiable.

I don't know about you, but this knowledge actually makes me anxious. Most days I feel like I'm standing on the edge of some great adventure...some huge calling...some magnificent "thing" that will finally answer the "Am I doing what I should be doing?" feeling I've had most of my adult life. I find myself in a hurry, never able to quite move fast enough...yet introspective, wanting to slow down to ensure I don't miss "it".

Somewhere in-between "on the cusp" and "not yet", I am left feeling unsettled. Is this it? Is this how you want to use me, Lord?

So I've decided it's time to explore that unsettledness. I'm journeying through some exciting things right now; healing I've been putting off for years. (I'm capturing it in my cool journal.)

Heart exploration is intense work. It is here I discovered that one of the messages I received when I was very young led me to believe I wasn't wanted. Not in the "oops, you were a mistake" kind of way, but in the subtleties of "don't ask much of me" and "it's really easier on me if you don't have any needs." I don't recall being "delighted in", nor do I recall my gifts being acknowledged, much less nurtured. So early in life, I learned to stay out of the way, figure it out, and keep my needs at bay...while certainly never expressing feelings of disappointment or hurt. 

So imagine how exciting (yet awkward) it is to realize that my Father wants quite the contrary:  that He wants an intimate relationship with me...and that He designed me with a specific purpose, an important role to play:  one that will be far richer when I learn to need Him, to call on Him when I am lost, and to (gulp) rely on Him for every fear, every worry, and every possible need I could have. And that even when I do, I AM DELIGHTFUL.

I believe that it is in my utter reliance that I will hear Him most clearly. Thus, I will know with more certainty how I am to serve Him. Until then, as I sit on the shores of "learning to trust" and dance with sideways evangelism, I'm still actively listening. I'm still asking. I'm still praying, everyday, to be used by Him and for Him.

So in the in-between, I'm less anxious about the BIG role (if there is one) and instead, beginning to peel back the layers to understand my heart and inviting God in to keep me safe in the process.

"Therefore I am now going to allure her;

I will lead her into the desert

and speak tenderly to her.

There I will give her back her vineyards,

and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope."  Hosea 2:14, 15

I'm excited about what He's got planned and what He's already done. I know that this relationship we are building...this intimacy...is the enabler to the next call. While the lure of "I know you've got more in store for me" is still there, I am mindful of doing His work in my space each and every day, little by little, touch by touch.

And so can you.

What are you waiting for?