Wobbly

"I think the entire 4th grade was there.  I was surprised there were so many of us."

Her words surprisingly cut through me and I felt an unexpected pang of something {I couldn't quite name} deep inside.

As she innocently shared the highlights  of last night's National Elementary Honor Society assembly, the words of a fellow classmate of my son's lingered like heavy fog as I processed them.

We weren't there. 

My son wasn't among the "entire" or the "so many".

While not typically a competitive person, I found myself lurking in the muddy water of envy and jealousy, of anxiety and adrenaline.  I even asked the sweet 9-year old what the "criteria" was for inclusion into this elite club.  After all, my son is a good student too...

But this isn't about my son, now is it? 

I often feel like a newborn pony as she tries to stand minutes after she's born:  awkward.  I hear God's sweet message of  "love, love, love" and the world's relentless voice telling me "go, go, go".  Can we do them both?  And can we do them well?

I am very aware of my approach to parenting.  I'm a choose-love-over-achievement kind of parent.  I encourage more often than I push, expect more often than I force.  I deliberately choose childhood play over a jam-packed agenda and intentionally reward effort over performance.

But today, like many other days, I question:  Am I parenting in a way that draws out the best in each of my kids?  Is my approach enabling them to sit in comfort rather than rise to their capabilities?  If I "drove" them harder, would I ignite some untapped "excellence" that is in hiding in each of my children?  Are they capable of more? 

And by "more", do I mean more "of this world"?

I don't mean to imply that making the National Elementary Honor Society (or any other achievement) is "of this world".  On the contrary, I know that God delights in us using our gifts for His glory and blesses our work when we give our best:

"Servants, do what you're told by your earthly masters.  And don't just do the minimum that will get you by.  Do your best."  (Colossians 3:22 MSG)

But I'll admit that I awkwardly parent when trying to send the message that "you are more" when their glorious souls pour out joy to the world, yet don't make "the cut" despite how hard they've worked.  Often it feels like a trade-off...as though the pursuit of achievement-oriented excellence (here on Earth) is somehow at the expense of growing in...and representing...Christ to the world.

Frankly, I'm still trying to master this.  It's ridiculously hard for me to linger in compassionate space when my to-do list enables my performance idol.  I flail with my prayer life when I've filled my calendar, even when it's with "good" things.  I struggle with mastering a skill or even offering my own gifts because to do so means I can't do other important things.  So it's no wonder I am struggling with how to lead my kids to do it.

So until God lifts the layer of fog on this issue for me, I stand in this truth...and mother from the same place: 

"So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It’s your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it."  (Colossians 3:12-14 MSG)